experts

an expert is someone who claims to know more about a certain subject than you. an expert thinks you are idiot.

since the beginning of civilization, there have been experts. someone was happily busy making his clay pots, until an expert came along who said "whoa whoa - that's how you make clay pots? you've got it all wrong. you're using the wrong kind of clay, you're technique is rudimentary, it's all wrong. let me show you how to really make a clay pot." and so, the expert earned a living telling people how to make clay pots properly, while also selling his special kind of clay.

today, experts are still busy telling all of the beginners what to do and how to do it. pick any hobby and there will be someone waiting to sell you the necessary equipment to fully experience this hobby. take something as simple as walking - you cannot just go out and walk. you need walking shoes, walking pants, even walking poles when necessary. you also need to master certain walking techniques - you can't move your arms that way! better ask an expert.

i have decided that most things - hobbies, crafts, talents - are generally quite easy. i'm not saying that playing one of bach's organ fugues is easy, but with enough practice, i'm sure you could do it. experts, however, will tell you otherwise. if you want to get into photography, you can't just grab a camera and start taking pictures. you need a $4,000 slr, the right lenses, filters, photohsop, etc. if you want to record an album, you can't just borrow a microphone and a tape machine and get to it. you need better equipment, the right technique, and lots of money. talent has little to do with it.

experts have convinced me to buy certain things, do things a certain way, but deep down, those recordings i made back when i did not know what i was doing still sound the best to me. most experts are not experts when it comes to experimentation, however.

letters

here are some letters i've been writing:

dear new york yankees,
many congratulations on capturing your latest world series. it's really neat how the team with the highest payroll won the world series this year. keep signing those free agents and victory shall continue to be yours.

sincerely,
dean.



dear ipod,
every morning at work, i put you on shuffle, and every morning you play the same songs. you have over 2000 songs to choose from, yet you always choose the same songs. please broaden your tastes, or be truly random. perhaps this is my punishment for not listening to complete albums anymore. if this is the case, i have learned my lesson.

thanks,
dean.



dear driver that just had to get in front of me this morning,
congratulations on getting to where you need to be 5 seconds earlier than me. i am sure your time is indeed more important than the safety of others.

dean.



dear person on kijiji attempting to sell a 3-inch patch cable for $5,
i admire your patience and tenacity. you must be getting frustrated though. it has been many months that you have been trying to sell your item, and i suspect you have not received many offers. perhaps because it is much safer for a buyer to go to the local music store and purchase a brand new patch cable that is guaranteed to function properly, as opposed to contacting a complete stranger, going to that stranger's house, and exchanging $5 for a patch cable with no guarantee of functionality.

keep catching that butterfly,
dean.



dear everyone younger than me,
your spelling, grammar, and customer service skills are atrocious. please inform you teachers, parents, and employers.

dean.

getting all nostalgic part 3: the cosby show

i've been watching old episodes of the cosby show, and it's just as good - if not better - than i remember. i'm obsessed now. i think the pilot episode is the best pilot episode of any show i've seen. theo huxtable is as cool as ever. grandpa huxtable has the best sounding voice - if i made a movie, i would want him to narrate. i still have a crush on denise. i want to live in the huxtable house. peter and kenny and elvin and cockroach. i could go on and on.

this is my favourite television moment, i think:

Cosby Show sing Night Time Is The Right Time by Ray Charles