a series of tubes

this is how my wife and i spend our time: we sit and watch tv, then one of us says "who was the guy from that thing? i wonder where he is now?" since the tv and computer are in the same room, the least lazy of us (usually my wife) goes over to the computer and searches the man's name. so now we know what peter from the cosby show has been doing for the last 20 years. then i inevitably say "you know, not too long ago, there would have been no way to find that out - it would have remained a mystery until a 'where are they now' show appeared on tv. i sure hope young people out there appreciate how easy it is to access any information they choose." then my wife leaves the room, invariably wondering what has become of her life. we now know what EVERYONE from the cosby has done since the cosby show, we know what the all-time lowest scoring NBA game was, we know who actually sang on the milli vanilli albums, and we know that the guy who wrote 'teen wolf' and teen wolf too' now writes episodes of 'heroes'.

one night, though, there came a moment where we were left breathless by the abominable power the information super-highway. we saw a music video for the song 'day by day' by Doug and the Slugs - canada's answer to Huey Lewis and the News. i said something like "i wonder if Doug is still making music - i bet he still has a following in southern manitoba or something." so we looked it up. turns out Doug is dead. he died in 2004. we were both sad. then my wife marveled at the length and detail of the wikipedia entry for Doug and the Slugs. it's not really long (not like the saskatoon wikipedia entry) but i expected maybe one or two sentences, if anything. (this supports my theory that every band in history has at least one die-hard fan willing to maintain their presence on the web - although there is no myspace page for the Slugs. there is, unbelievably, another band called Doug and the Slugs, who do have a myspace page. they have 6 fans.) then we scrolled down and noticed this:

someone took the time to make a chart outlining the various members of Doug and the Slugs from 1977 to 2004. this is astonishing. first we laughed and laughed. and then we thought about it some more and felt sad again. it's also interesting to note that from 1996 to around 1998, there was only one Slug - Jay Wittur - and he played the bass. just Doug and a Slug - bass and vocals. if i had a time machine, i would go back and find a bar in etobicoke ontario and watch these two perform.

scrolling down further, there is a list of 8 more former Slugs who were not included in the chart. this means that there were 19 former Slugs in total, which leads me to believe that Doug was perhaps quite difficult to work with - he was like Canada'a James Brown. and also Canada's Huey Lewis.

most importantly, directly below the chart, we have the following: Dennis Henderson is now a high school electronics teacher at Hugh McRoberts Secondary School in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada.

because of the internet, we know the occupation and city of residence of the person who played bass for Doug and the Slugs in 1977. oh , what an age in which we live!

experts

an expert is someone who claims to know more about a certain subject than you. an expert thinks you are idiot.

since the beginning of civilization, there have been experts. someone was happily busy making his clay pots, until an expert came along who said "whoa whoa - that's how you make clay pots? you've got it all wrong. you're using the wrong kind of clay, you're technique is rudimentary, it's all wrong. let me show you how to really make a clay pot." and so, the expert earned a living telling people how to make clay pots properly, while also selling his special kind of clay.

today, experts are still busy telling all of the beginners what to do and how to do it. pick any hobby and there will be someone waiting to sell you the necessary equipment to fully experience this hobby. take something as simple as walking - you cannot just go out and walk. you need walking shoes, walking pants, even walking poles when necessary. you also need to master certain walking techniques - you can't move your arms that way! better ask an expert.

i have decided that most things - hobbies, crafts, talents - are generally quite easy. i'm not saying that playing one of bach's organ fugues is easy, but with enough practice, i'm sure you could do it. experts, however, will tell you otherwise. if you want to get into photography, you can't just grab a camera and start taking pictures. you need a $4,000 slr, the right lenses, filters, photohsop, etc. if you want to record an album, you can't just borrow a microphone and a tape machine and get to it. you need better equipment, the right technique, and lots of money. talent has little to do with it.

experts have convinced me to buy certain things, do things a certain way, but deep down, those recordings i made back when i did not know what i was doing still sound the best to me. most experts are not experts when it comes to experimentation, however.

letters

here are some letters i've been writing:

dear new york yankees,
many congratulations on capturing your latest world series. it's really neat how the team with the highest payroll won the world series this year. keep signing those free agents and victory shall continue to be yours.

sincerely,
dean.



dear ipod,
every morning at work, i put you on shuffle, and every morning you play the same songs. you have over 2000 songs to choose from, yet you always choose the same songs. please broaden your tastes, or be truly random. perhaps this is my punishment for not listening to complete albums anymore. if this is the case, i have learned my lesson.

thanks,
dean.



dear driver that just had to get in front of me this morning,
congratulations on getting to where you need to be 5 seconds earlier than me. i am sure your time is indeed more important than the safety of others.

dean.



dear person on kijiji attempting to sell a 3-inch patch cable for $5,
i admire your patience and tenacity. you must be getting frustrated though. it has been many months that you have been trying to sell your item, and i suspect you have not received many offers. perhaps because it is much safer for a buyer to go to the local music store and purchase a brand new patch cable that is guaranteed to function properly, as opposed to contacting a complete stranger, going to that stranger's house, and exchanging $5 for a patch cable with no guarantee of functionality.

keep catching that butterfly,
dean.



dear everyone younger than me,
your spelling, grammar, and customer service skills are atrocious. please inform you teachers, parents, and employers.

dean.

getting all nostalgic part 3: the cosby show

i've been watching old episodes of the cosby show, and it's just as good - if not better - than i remember. i'm obsessed now. i think the pilot episode is the best pilot episode of any show i've seen. theo huxtable is as cool as ever. grandpa huxtable has the best sounding voice - if i made a movie, i would want him to narrate. i still have a crush on denise. i want to live in the huxtable house. peter and kenny and elvin and cockroach. i could go on and on.

this is my favourite television moment, i think:

Cosby Show sing Night Time Is The Right Time by Ray Charles

nba predictions

yesterday on tv i saw three sports analysts boldly give their predictions for the nba finals. the season started last night. one said the lakers vs orlando (same as last year), another said the lakers vs cleveland (same as what everyone predicted last year), and the other said san antonio vs cleveland (same as two years ago). they were really going out on a limb this time.

my prediction is the portland trailblazers vs the philadelphia 76ers. the blazers will have the best record in the nba this year. you heard it here first, folks.

don't live every day like it's your birthday

it was my birthday on tuesday, and as per tradition (a tradition that i started last year) i took the day off and just did whatever the heck i wanted on by birthday. i eat what i want, i watch what i want, i drink alcohol in the morning, and it's great. it's how birthdays should be. at the time, i came up with a lovely motto: 'live every day like it's your birthday.' this motto probably exists somewhere, but i soon realized that it is horrible horrible advice. if i lived everyday like it was my birthday, i would be dead within a year. and my lifestyle on my birthday isn't even that bad.

here's what i did:

• woke up early, opened presents. my wife bought be some chocolates and skittles
• my wife made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. i also had two large mugs of coffee, one of which had a healthy dose of kamora
  
• watched the price is right
• showered
• went to chili's for lunch. we shared classic nachos (which are the most perfect nachos i've ever had) and some fajitas. but i ate about 80% of the food on the table, while my wife had 20%
• came home, watched tv all afternoon whilst eating chocolates and skittles
• we were too ill from lunch to eat supper, so we ate birthday cake instead
• put the baby to bed, then i lied on the couch, watched more tv, ate more chocolates and skittles, and made my delicious drink invention - amaretto, orange juice, and raspberry syrup.
  

while this is pretty tame (ie no binge drinking) note the amount of sugar i ate and how little i moved. if this continued, i would gain 100 pounds and die of a diabetic coma. don't live every day like it's your birthday.

the easiest job in the world award

2nd runner up for easiest job in the world: pinch runner for a major league baseball team. you sit on the bench most of the time. in rare situations, you enter in the game for the purpose of running.

1st runner up: third-base coach for a major league baseball team. you stand by third base and tell the runner to either stop at third, or go home.

and the easiest job in the world award goes to: first-base coach for a major league baseball team. you stand by first base and tell the runner to stop at first or go to second. the first-base coach has a slight advantage over the third-base coach in terms of ease, because the third-base coach has slightly more responsibility.

i am unsure why any of these positions exist, and i'm sure they pay more than my current job.

i could write more about the baffling sport of baseball, like why they play 162 regular season games, and only 13 to 21 games in the playoffs, or why the abbreviation for a strikeout is 'k' and the abbreviation for a walk is 'bb' - i'll save that for a future entry.

bobby brown: ahead of his time

if this track was released today, it would be a HIT! commercial radio would love it, pitchfork would love it, your mother would love it.



i wonder what LA and Babyface are doing right now?

some things i won't miss about summer

i love fall. i love wearing warm sweaters and light jackets, walking through leaves, etc. here in saskatchewan though, the fall season lasted 3 days. at the end of september, it was 33 degrees, then things were normal, then 3 days later, snow, wind, and cold. so to help soften the blow of winter, i like to think about the things i will not miss about the summer:
allergies - i seem to be allergic to pollen. all summer i have a runny nose, a runny eye, and i sneeze on everything.

• no shirts - i'm not just talking about old shirtless men. what is much much worse are young muscular men playing shirtless frisbee in the park, even when it's not really that warm out. is a shirt really that constricting while throwing a frisbee or football? they're just doing it to impress the ladies - unfortunately, it probably works. they also make me feel bad about myself, because my shirt never ever comes off.
  
• people showing off their skills - related to above. my wife and i often each lunch in the park. we often get a hackey-sack in the back of the head. we also get to listen to the soothing sounds of inexperienced djembe players.
  
• business casual summer clothes - i work in an office. the dress code is business casual, which is fine in the winter months because i get to wear sweaters. unfortunately a sweater doesn't work on a hot summer day, which means that i'm forced to dress like my dad: dockers and a golf shirt tucked in.
• teenagers - i remember being a teenager in the summer. there was nothing to do but wander around. now, teenagers wander outside my house, and i don't like it. these teenagers like to throw eggs at my car and break its windows.
  
• getting into a hot car - i suppose it's better than getting into a cold car in the winter, but in the summer sun, you could cook a stew in my car.
  

i sound like a cranky old man. there are, however, many more things i love about summer, but also many more things i hate about winter.

getting all nostalgic part 2: 1991

the klf were the biggest-selling singles act in the world for 1991.







i'm not sure who the best-selling singles act is currently, but i'm sure their songs do not being with machine-gun shots or mc5 samples.

getting all nostalgic part 1: muchmusic

muchmusic celebrated its 25th anniversary lately, which lead me to lament on how great the station used to be. i haven't watched muchmusic in awhile - i occasionally flip there to see what music videos look like nowadays, but i rarely see any videos. it seems to be a whole lot of celebrity shows - is there a specific name for that genre? - i could right many many words about what the station is doing wrong now, but i'd rather be nostalgic and remember the things i loved about it.

• the VJs seemed like people who really loved music - and they all looked like normal, ugly people
• mucheast and muchwest every sunday. these shows were amazing - they gave 2 whole hours per week showcasing canadian artists from provinces other than ontario. then they changed it to thirty minutes and called it 'going coastal.' then they cancelled 'going coastal'
• the wedge was on every day after school for 30 minutes. this was before i had the internet, which meant that this show was my primary window for new music. as a 14-year old discovering his tastes, this was perfect.
  
• everything seemed kind of ramshackle - VJs would present videos in the midst of desks and monitors and people grabbing coffee, they would do things like the annual post-christmas tree toss - i wanted to work there.
• they played videos about 90% of the time. i remember getting upset when they would show the partridge family or the monkees.
  
• weird al would take over the station for an entire day. that may not sound too exciting, but it was great.
  
• i wasn't allowed to watch muchmusic when i was a kid, which made it all the better, i think.
  

if you can think of any other good muchmusic memories, please feel free to comment.